Your stubbed toe still hurts

With the pain returning, I'm abruptly debilitated - unable to cook, clean, shop, barely able to walk. I'm reeling with the generosity and help of my friends. I idiotically put pine essential oil in a hot bath and ended up not with soothing heat for my swollen stomach, but burning all over, and too sore to shower or to wash the bath and start again. I bewailed my idiocy on Facebook - and a friend nipped over, made me tea, and cleaned my bath. Another friend messaged twice to ask what she could get me from the shops and went shopping for me. Another came to spend the afternoon with me and support my arm so I could have a short walk in the sun. And then, "I feel rougher than a badger's bottom," says a friend who's ill, "But I can't complain when you're suffering so much."

"I'm a bit... sore."

After a charmed two years without treatment and nothing worse than bad period pains and dyschezia, the pain is starting to return. Very slowly, imperceptibly, month by month. Is it  getting worse? And a few months later... It's definitely worse than last month.  And a month later... This is definitely worse. I call it subtle and imperceptible, but I've dropped to the floor in front of my partner when the pain attacked without warning and in privacy screamed out loud. I scrabble to put two coffees down as the pain starts, otherwise I'll drop them. I hate people knowing I'm in pain, but I have to tell my writing students, because I need to sit down while I explain something to them. And I realised, I say to people, "I'm a bit... sore."  But only me and my partner know what that actually means.

“I’m a bit… sore”

In chronic pain, you stop displaying
as you ought.
your nerves report: still the same
excruciating pain, again.

you ought to crumple, double, howl
but instead
your mind goes dead: a trial:
meanwhile, you stiffen, slightly, smile.

the pain will pass, or, it will last, and
all your will
can only still literal screams:
such pain long since exceeds your means

to respond, as you ought,
to what your nerves report